I ended up getting that job I referred to earlier. I learned a lot. It turns out I didn’t fit the evolving job description. I knew the first 30 days were a trial, but I didn’t expect it to end. It was very hard for me to face this new reality. I literally went through all or at least most of the 5 stages of grief. I cycled through denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Every other day I would think of some way I could possibly stay. But yesterday I met with someone and came to the conclusion that really there was no other role I could fill in this organization. I was heartbroken all over again.
I am still heartbroken. I am continuing to learn what my intuition told me last week, when I first processed the news: I have to do what is best for my emotional state. I realized this even more after I made an inappropriate comment this morning at work. I was in a lot of pain and I didn’t feel seen or heard. I set up another meeting with my higher ups, who have been extremely supportive and empathetic (for which I am quite grateful.) I told them how hard it was for me to continue to pour my heart and soul into this job. How this role was so immersive and dynamic, that I couldn’t take myself to reduce my work to 4 hours a day. I wanted to keep working 8-hour days, but as I did this, my emotional well-being was suffering. It was simply too painful to put on a happy face and be super-duper cordial when a co-worker would come and introduce themselves and say, “Great to meet you.” I hated cultivating relationships that were destined to end in only a few short weeks (or less).
Listening to one’s emotional needs can be very difficult. If you are like me, you push yourself hard and do all you can, until you are depleted and hit a wall. And at that point, it may be too late and you may already have behaved inappropriately. Better to proactively nurture yourself and take care of your needs. Be sensitive to the reality of what is going on, and how it is impacting you on a mental and emotional level. Cut yourself some slack. And do what you need to do to move forward in a healthy, happy (or at least getting there!) way.