Can I still be a wonderful granddaughter after my grandmother is no longer here?
One of the struggles I am having right now with the passing of my grandmother is the emptiness it has left in my life. I look at old pictures of her, at how vibrant she was, how beautiful she was, of her amazing strength as a leader in her community, her loving relationship with her husband, her undying loyalty to her children, her “doting” on
her grandchildren. And I miss having such a star of a woman in my life, my very own grandmother.
But it is more than that.
It is my relationship with her that I miss the most.
I was always so close to both my maternal grandparents and got even closer to my grandmother after my grandfather passed away and particularly when I moved back to New York City for grad school.
I spent every other, if not every, Sunday evening with my grandmother. I joined my mother and grandmother for dinner at a yummy Riverdale restaurant where we shared week-in-review conversations, hopes, fears, and exciting news.
This was a huge stronghold in my life for the past four years, my father having passed away five years ago. I loved my grandmother’s unconditional love; I lived by it. As if I was the rose (my grandmother’s name was Rose) and my grandmother was the sun—shining her warmth upon me, nurturing me, making me feel like everything was going to be ok.
My grandmother would praise me for being a devoted granddaughter, but I gained so much from these visits.
I cherished my grandmother. Moreover, I cherished how being with her made me feel. She healed me. She brought out the best in me.
Now with my grandmother’s passing, I feel I have lost a part of myself.
This morning, I craved going to see my grandmother to re-center and recoup from an eventful adrenaline-filled social event. And then I reminded myself, and it stung with irony and grief.
A king cannot be a king without subjects.
Can I be a wonderful granddaughter without my grandmother by my side?
(Written in February 2012, published on blog to commemorate the 6th anniversary of her passing)