Reorganizing My Soul

This morning, I had an epiphany:

I could replace my smaller brown bookcase with a larger black one to match my other medium black one.

Yup, that was it.

Can you tell I’m moving?

These are the thoughts going through my mind!

But truly, I woke up this morning, realizing that if I store the books I don’t usually read in a box in the garage and toss the ones that I really think I never will read (which may be none of them), I can have fewer books overall and put the books that are currently in the living room built-in bookshelf into the new library room since our new living room doesn’t have a built-in bookshelf, and I’m not sure I want to clutter up the common area with a giant bookshelf along the wall.

Moving is about letting go of what does not serve you.

It’s about feeling the discomfort of the uncertainty of a new environment. Throwing out the clothes and belongings that you don’t use, but have pretended you do use for the past 5 years.

It’s about letting go (I’ll say it again, because it sooooooo is!)

It’s about becoming lighter!

Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, a tzaddik of blessed memory, wrote in the beginning of one of his books, ‘What are we? We are not our brain, etc, etc.’ And came to conclusion that we are our soul.

Letting go of stuff is becoming lighter. It’s realizing how strongly you identified with your belongings and feeling that pain of parting from them. It’s literally pulling the rug from under yourself and replacing it with more hardwood floors.

It sucks!!!

But I’ve kind of gotten used to things being uncomfortable. Since often I practice CBT/ERP to help me face my fears and OCD-like symptoms.

This ain’t my first rodeo.

But it still sucks!!!!

Yet something inside of me is saying, “Yes, this sucks!!!!…But I’m kind of excited too!”

Excited to release the hold my belongings have on me. To relieve myself of the belief that I am my belongings. That I am my home. That I am my yard. The security that all these things give me. The comfort, the safety.

I’m taking them away.

And you know, what?

I’m surviving.

I’m even thriving!

Crazy, right?!

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Or as the Jewish saying goes, something to the effect of, ‘You make an opening the size of the eye of a needle, and G-d will further open it to become a vast expanse.’

Or, in other words, you dip your toe into the Sea of Reeds, and G-d will part the Sea.

You have to see it to believe it. (See/Sea – pun intended!)

It’s something that you can only understand through experience.

I’ve dreaded this move since the day I moved in two years ago. I knew it was temporary but I really liked the home and the yard and the location—I told myself it could be forever.

Goodbye to the hopes and dreams.

Goodbye to the illusion of control.

Goodbye to the past and the alleged future.

The present moment has gathered me in.

And, to my own dismay, I am OK.

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