Being home with this change of pace reminds me of when I sat shiva for my father’s death. As per the rules of shiva, I couldn’t leave the house for seven days. But there was a difference. We were visited by hundreds of people that week. Reality set in after the throngs of visitors left.
Then there was real life. A stillness, an emptiness I couldn’t fill, let alone face.
Over the next nine or so years I was plagued by severe low self-esteem and anxiety. I had periods of growth, of hope, but never learned to fill that void inside of myself. A hole that was already there before my father’s sudden death, but only got deeper afterward.
Being home this week, we are listening to a lot of music. Some of which was from that period of my life where I was lost, single and lonely, confused and desperate. Worst of all—I felt stuck.
The stillness of this period, being home, having a bird’s-eye view of life, stepping back, giving more room for my inner musings, I think about those ten lonely years.
I’ve been married for almost five years. Finding my life partner surely answered my prayers: my despair, my fear of living alone forever abated. But I still had to continue to do the self-work to improve my sense of self-worth.
I won’t forget my single years. My heart forever goes out to all those struggling to find themselves, as well as those yearning to find their life partner.