New Schedule, Old Fears

For the next school year I am planning on shortening my hours. I have been coming home exhausted and drained—with little energy left for my little one or my husband…or myself.

It’s how I’m used to doing things in life: Running hard until I simply can’t go anymore.

It’s only one of the many reasons I could never run a marathon (I stink at pacing myself…also I have sensitive knees).

But as I look ahead to a schedule where I come home two hours earlier, I feel a deep pit of fear in my stomach. I feel like I am staring into a dark abyss.

What am I going to do with those extra 2 hours?!

Will I play with my daughter? Will I meal prep? Will we go shopping for dinner?

Will I still feel tired after 7 hours of teaching such that playing with my daughter will feel tedious instead of invigorating? Boring instead of joyful?

Will I resent having to be the one to go shopping now that I am home earlier from work? Will my kid give me a hard time when I put her in the car seat? Will we just choose to walk the 15 minutes instead?

Will I be bored?

These are the thoughts running through my mind.

I often use them as a reason to NOT change my schedule. To accept my overexertion and be grateful that it subtly hides all of these dreaded question marks.

But I think I am now ready to face the fear and jump in.

I wonder what the universe will bring?…

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