I watched a video about low self-esteem recently by psychiatrist Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski and it made me realize how my low self-esteem is for sure a real thing—even if there’s no official diagnosis for it. And I’ve been more aware recently of how much I need external validation to fill the internal void inside of me. Also that this “need” for external validation doesn’t ACTUALLY solve my need to internal healing. I am mindfully noticing when I feel a need for external validation, recognition, etc, and I am often stopping myself from doing something, or redirecting my intention: instead of doing it for the attention/validation, I am doing it to help people. Other times, I do do something for external validation and I appreciate the dopamine rush it affords me and then return to my day-to-day tasks, not putting too much meaning into it, not investing too much into it emotionally.
In addition to watching that self-esteem video, I have been doing daily breathing meditations, as I mentioned in previous posts. This also has granted me greater self-awareness, and has helped me be more objective. Another thing that has helped me take a step back is I literally took a step back from work when the preschool I work in went virtual a few weeks ago to stem the spread of coronavirus. Usually in the busyness of life, I don’t have enough time to ponder deeply what is on my mind. Not so now. In addition to praying for everyone’s well-being, I am taking this time to continue my search for self and deepen the answers to questions I have long had.