Who wants to re-enact trauma?
Sure, we want to grow from our experiences; remember those times in our lives we showed up like never before. When our survival instincts kicked in, when our visceral responses led the way. When we were reminded of our prowess and capabilities, which are often so overlooked in a modern culture in which we become soft and/or numb.
But to remember the tears? The hardship? To go back to those darkest moments in our lives?
Surely it can be triggered unknowingly throughout our life experiences, but who would choose to go back?
And yet, that’s what the Passover Haggadah does. It recounts the bitterness of slavery, the tears, the mortar used to back-breakingly build the pyramids.
It starts with the suffering, the struggles, and then tells of how G-d redeemed the Israelites from it all; with miracles and wonders. Then we eat! After which songs of praise are sung.
So maybe recounting trauma can work. The Haggadah seems to posit this.
But who’s to say which trauma we choose to recount?
And why recount a nation’s trauma, if and when our very lives provide enough of it, which is so much closer to our hearts?
And thus, below you will find excerpts from a trauma survivor’s Haggadah…
Leaving in Haste She packed a bag Not because she was leaving But because she didn’t know when she’d have to The next time things got heated It could be in a day, in a couple weeks It could be in a matter of months It didn’t matter For when it did happen It would be sudden It would be fast And she would have to leave in haste No time to pack Surely not a time to remember one’s essentials No, she would set them aside ahead of time During a time of peace When her mind was calm When the home was calm And the moment it became otherwise She would take her child and leave Enough Is Enough Ambivalent Badgered Battered Criticized Cursed at Dignity shot Even if she didn’t need it Forget dignity Girl just needs to breathe Heated times call for walks Impossible to know if it will ever get better Just a week of peace, is that enough? Kidding herself Longing for a return to healthy communication Meandering the streets Not a neighbor in sight Only can count on her self Police are a last resort, when necessary Questioning her own worth, her own sanity Respecting the other’s pain Stupefied by her current situation Together seems infinitely far away Unlike any circumstances she has ever been in Violated, torn apart Why did it get this bad? X marks the spot You don’t see it, but I do Zenith reached; Clarity, Good-Bye Praises of Renewal The matzah she would eat tasted like cardboard But first she had to manage all the actual cardboard She organized her new furniture deliveries Placed them into her new home Then turned to dismantling the boxes Just in time for recycling the next morning Finally, a new beginning She recalled times of adrenaline Of deep-seeded fear That was in the past Now, she could take calm steps Start anew with her child by her side A fresh start Hello, Spring!
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