I am no stranger to back pain. I had chronic back pain in my mid-twenties for 1.5 years. It was depressing as hell. And frustrating too—going from PT to PT trying to figure out the best treatment for it. All while continuing to work full time and have an hour commute each way.
I marinated in my misery. I wasn’t married yet. And I was far from the lyrics of Kelly Clarkson’s song Alone. I most certainly was lonely cuz I was alone.
This episode of back pain is different.
For one, it’s ten years later. Secondly, I am married, as well as more stable in my mental health (married or not, one’s mental health is first priority!).
So my intention for this episode of back pain, is the following:
Dont deny it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t suppress it. Don’t do self-destructive things to distract myself from the physical as well as emotional pain.
Rather: Have faith that I will get better.
Like the Talmudic story of Rabbi Akiva laughing as the foxes traipsed around the ruins if the Temple. He laughed with joy because he knew if the prophecy of the Temple destruction came true, so too would its rebuilding.
I am working my ass off right now to cultivate this faith. That I will heal. That things will be alright.
I am recognizing the pain, honoring it, being mindfully aware of it, without overly identifying with it.
I am not a failure. It’s not my fault.
This is life.
This is life’s journey.
And I will try my damnedest to embrace it.