How Fucked up is this?…
I remember being intimated by the pretty, sophisticated girls in middle school years in sleep away camp. (I went to a mad jappy one, yayyyyyyyy.)
But I also remember, more faintly, around that time, having thoughts about how if I really look good, people will think I look too good. Like if I wear contacts and dress like them, they will feel jealous and alienated and thus alienate me in return. I think deep down I knew if I dressed the part, I would blow them out of the park. Then again, I didn’t yet have the confidence they had. And confidence is everything!
But still, subconsciously I thought they would bully me. I thought they’d be jealous cuz I have natural beauty. So I was afraid to be beautiful. I didn’t want to incite their jealousy.
So I hid.
Just like I couldn’t be too smart cuz then Jay wouldn’t like me back, since I’d intimate him.
…He didn’t like me back anyway, by the way!
Or like that time in high school, my classmate expressed how relieved she was that I decided not to apply to Penn early decision, since it would limit her own chances of getting in— bitch new my application woulda trumped hers!
So yeah, I’ve been intimidated by other’s beauty and prowess.
But also I’m intimidated by own own beauty and prowess and so I’ve kept myself small.
But now I am giving myself permission to BE myself. To shine in all my greatness.
I invite y’all to do the same.
And if you want support, I’m here for you.
We are all in this together.