Every step I take toward mindfully growing my nutrition business is a step away from the girl who:
-never wanted to assert herself
-feared confrontation
-feared rejection (like, big time!)
Growing up, I had opinions, I just ignored them. I observed what happened to people who were different. They got mocked, made fun of. No thank you, not my thing. I rather be liked. The only time I stood out was to help others feel better such as if my friend was the one getting mocked, or to welcome a new girl and make her feel more at home.
I also stood out for the way I ate, bringing healthy snacks to school. Which brings us back to:
I like being organized and staying on point in my nutrition business. It makes me feel more at ease, more confident, more self-assured. More purposeful (was that a period over there? I didn’t even notice! Ok, I think my list is now complete, or complete enough!).
Being self-assured feels great. Growing up, I had that feeling when it came to doing well in school. That bolstered my confidence.
Thing is, later in life, I would learn that having external things build up my confidence was not the best cuz it meant that I wasn’t internally strong enough on my own.
I needed the recognition, the success. It was part of my identity. Without it, who was I, but a shy, quirky girl, who would do anything but share her inner musings with her relentless surroundings.
I thought I got away with it. ‘Smile, do well, be likable.’ It was working. I felt accepted.
In later years, I realized this system was doomed to fail me. I went through countless social experiences—many romantic, and friendships too—where I had trouble standing up for myself and my beliefs, where I was overpowered by the other’s opinions, wants, and needs.
Looking back, it’s no surprise seeing how good I was at shoving them down for basically my entire upbringing.
But it wasn’t just pushing away my own opinions, it was internalizing other’s opinions about me as truth. Prioritizing their perspective over my inner gut feeling/knowledge/wisdom.
And so I have countless stories of people blaming me, shaming me, and since I didn’t know any better and had allowed my self-trust to atrophy growing up (add to that the sudden passing of my super-supportive dad when I was 21), I took their judgments about me to heart, which—you guessed it—further eroded my self-trust.
A part of me wishes I never had to struggle with all this, but a part of me feels like it was meant to be, because if it wasn’t for how I showed up in the world in this way, I would never have been graced with the gift that is my daughter.
I’ve been making strides in this area, ever since switching to dialectical behavior therapy two years ago. I am such a fan of DBT. More about DBT here.
Self-Help Memoirs here
Nutrition and Wellness website here
Mindful Nuggets 