“Ok, let’s go somewhere else.”
Did that group of four women just leave the area at the very moment I arrived?
Holy, shit! My worst fear has finally manifested!
And it only took 35 damn years.
Of course, my first reaction was to second guess my recent actions…
Was it the F bomb I dropped a few weeks ago while venting to friends on the playground? (I know not to curse near kids, I was having a bad bad day; someone admonished me, I agreed and I zipped my mother-fucking lips!)
Or, was it the sexy outfit I wore last week while I happened to be chatting with her hubby later that morning?
My friends tell me not to read into it.
Just be a good person and do what’s right.
Don’t be consumed by self-doubt.
It’s her problem.
Hater’s gonna hate.
And although I’m consumed with self-consciousness and self-doubt (programmed in me for 35 years, bitches!) I also know the above to be true.
And man, I’m kind of excited: I finally have haters!
And that means, I’m finally speaking my truth!
For 25 years I held my truth inside.
I wouldn’t even wear t-shirts with phrases or pictures on them, afraid they would offend someone that looked at it. That they would judge me for liking something they thought was corny as heck. Or something like that.
I held my creativity and my self-expression inside for 25 years, in fear of creating conflict with another; even the slightest of discomfort with someone else.
I put up so many fences around fences, it was impossible that I could cause any offence (See what I did with the spelling there? Poetic license, bitches!).
So, I have a choice:
I can hide my true self and live as a shell of my self, steeped in self-doubt, self-loathing, and regret (oh and a shit ton more negative emotions!).
Or, I can express my true self (respectfully, of course ;)) and take the chance that some people may be offended at times.
I think I’ll choose the latter.
After all, I’ve heard that 50% of people like us and 50% of people don’t.
And I’m on a journey to finding those 50% of people who don’t like me.
Now that I’m actually being ME.
My greatest fear finally happened.
It stings real hard.
But it’s also refreshing and enlivening and real.
And I see:
I survived it
It’s safe to be myself.