Stepping Toward Myself

Unrequited Care
You didn't know I was there

I stood in the corner and watched
Just stared

All the things I wish I did
All the thoughts I all but hid

You thought I was nice
But I was just a pleaser

You thought I was loyal
But I was really a non-believer

No faith in myself
Only the other

My whole worth hinging on 
Whether we had each other

I remembered your birthday, your favorite color
You remembered my name sounded something like Gula

If I wasn't there you wouldn't have noticed
You were my everything and I was so hopeless

In the sidelines
I sided with you

I watched every move
Everything you did do

For I was in awe 
You had such a passion

Everything you touched turned to gold
Everyone you spoke with was laughin'

If only I could have such charisma
If only my power would shine like yours

But I'm on the sidelines 
You don't even know me

I could disappear 
And it wouldn't matter

Not to you, not to them,
Would continue the same chatter

While I silently stand and promise myself
That I'm packing my bags and leaving for help 

I can no longer live with others who don't care
I can no longer invest in something not ACTUALLY there

So long and farewell, 
Our relationship dies

For I never felt safe when I looked in your eyes

What reflected back was your power, never my own
And so continued my eternal groan

I'll never be like that, 
That could never be me

But deep inside, 
I so wished it would be

I can't go on like this, 
I simply can't

My energy's drained
It's way more than scant

I'm disappearing forever
But not from myself

I hope on my journey
I find someone else

Someone who loves me 
Just as I am

Someone who cheers for ME on the sidelines
"I know that you can!"

I know I feel small now, 
Like I'm a nothing

But a spark in my heart 
Tells me I'm on to something

That maybe the girl that's alone
That I hate

Has Her own little Secret
That makes her real great

So instead of leaving all that I know
I'll take a baby step forward and be open to grow

Be open to finding out what makes me tick
Be open to understanding why I  always loved pricks

Maybe it's the confidence, the inspired awe
Maybe it's totally different and not that at all

But who'm I to say,
I haven't yet started

This journey of mine, 
Only now I've departed

Bon Voyage to me
Don't know where I'm going

But out of this shithole
This pain I've been knowing

For if I stay, I will continue to wilt
To wallow in suffering, in shame and in guilt

And that wouldn't last, 
And it wouldn't end well

So I'm choosing a new direction
And I bid you Fairwell!